Surviving emotional abandonment and building resilience
by Janet Fanaki
When my husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, the feeling of abandonment was real.
How could anyone wrap their heads around the idea of someone they know dying in their 40s?
There were times when I would run into a friend who wasn’t even able to ask me how I was doing for fear of the reply. Or crickets and a blank stare if I started to cry when talking about something.
I realize that it’s not an easy. My gosh, there were times when I could think back to bailing on friends in their moments of need.
Back in high school, a friend lost her sister to leukemia and I doubt that I had the maturity to really be there for her. Or when a friend’s marriage fell apart and it took me years to reach out.
At 52, I’ve learned to be kind to those who didn’t have the right thing to say or couldn’t be present for me. Life can be scary and sometimes it’s only when we’ve gone through our own stuff that we can really empathise.
There were some solid things that I did to build my resilience during Adam’s illness and subsequent passing in 2020. I continue to stand-by them for daily strength:
Lesson #1: Build your team
Think about the people you choose to keep around you. Just because you have many friends and a big family doesn’t mean they have all the right stuff.
Look to have upbeat, great listeners, positive and supportive people around you.
Lesson #2: Be honest
The saying, “honesty is the best policy” will serve you well. Know that it’s ok to say that you’re not ok. A 90-year old neighbour had given me that advice when I would go around telling others that I was ok when I was far from it.
When someone asks you how you’re doing, be honest.
Lesson #3: You are not alone
Reach out to organizations of like-minded people. Take advantage of everything that they have to offer like group counselling, virtual support and resources.
Lesson #4: Have a purpose
It’s a well-known fact and clinically proven that waking up everyday with a plan or purpose promotes positive thinking.
Adam was eventually able to return to work a year after his diagnosis, but even when he was at home he continued to be connected with his colleagues either by phone or at-home visits. And he exercised everyday. It gave him purpose and he felt good.
I take the dog out for a long walk every morning and creatively work everyday. Choose what gives you joy.
Lesson #5: Take care
Self care is not a cliché. It’s important to take care of your mental and physical health to be resilient.
For young children, alert their schools of changes at home and tell their friends’ parents too to build their support circle.
There are many easily accessible ways to give yourself a break and practice a little self care. A bonus is that many are free online. Enroll in a virtual pilates class, take music lessons, or simply lie down and close your eyes for 20 minutes a day.
Having the right tenets in place will help to make you more resilient.
Janet Fanaki lives in Toronto with her two children, Isobel and Sam. She is the lead content creator and host of the RESILIENT PEOPLE podcast and founder of The Adam Fanaki Brain Fund. She interviews EXTRAordinary people from around the world who are admired for their resilience. Learn more at www.resilientpeople.ca or on Twitter and Instagram.
